


Cherish You & Souls Connected

by punky_96



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: AU, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 13:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10640595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punky_96/pseuds/punky_96
Summary: Erica’s been gone three years.  (I am torn all these years later to go back and edit even more...  I haven't written in present tense in a long time.  Though from time to time I do get over-excited drafting a piece and have had to fix it before I send it to the beta.)  (Sighs.  I'll look at it as far as re-doing tomorrow.  For now I just want it transferred and one less on the other list.)SERIOUSLY.  I didn't even spell Yang's name right back then.  How could no one have corrected me at the time?  Shakes head at how many pages of text will all have the wrong spelling.....





	1. Cherish You

**Cherish You ******

********

********

 

“What are you doing, Callie?”

“I’m in the box.”

“What box?”

“You know, the one where you put all of your hopes and your dreams. The box where `romance’ and `forever’ go to die. The box that you visit when you are at your darkest.”

“I call that the dark & twisty place.”

“Yeah. That’s the place.”

“Here, I thought Lexie was the secret cutter.”

“Oh, this is better. No visible marks.”

“What brought this on today?”

“You know when you hear a song, or someone smiles, or you catch a glimpse of blonde hair, or see a leaf, or smell a scent in the air, or hear a voice that’s the same. That’s what brings it on. The air. That’s what brings it on.” Callie holds up a card and shows it to Christina, not really showing her, but that’s not the point. She lays it haphazardly on the scatter of things around her. It is a careless gesture.

“She said she cherished me, that I was a bright place in her life.” Callie gasps for air and flails her hands in the air silent tears streaming down her face. It is silent in the room save for two hearts beating and a buzzing of the fridge. “She said that the future was uncertain and scary for us, but that I would always have a place in her life. I would always be her friend.” Callie leans back against the wall and closes her eyes. One knee is bent up and the other is tucked behind it. Near her on the floor is a small box, scattered around on the floor are cards, photographs, postcards, small mementos—a lifetime of small tokens of affection from those who took their affection away a long time ago.

Christina squinted and could make out a picture of George on the floor. She could see a letter in writing that wasn’t anyone she recognized. There were some concert or movie ticket stubs. A mini-license plate that said Callie and one laying off center below it that Christina could only guess at. There was an envelope with one end ripped open with the Seattle Grace Hospital return address on it—Christina knew she wasn’t the only one to keep her acceptance letter. She saw a jewelry box still inside `the box’ itself. She saw cards and other romantic detritus.

Christina gasped when she took in all of Callie gauging how she was not by the tears, posture, or poor lighting. Callie had her eyes closed head back against the wall her jaw was clenched against the words she would not say and her breathing was loud—deliberate—her hands had formed fists in her lap effectively choking the life out of a mostly white polka dot scrub cap.

A small voice in Christina’s head made an imaginary phone call to Meredith to round up the dark and twisty police because they had a jumper—one that would take it too far and not make it back by daylight. The voice in Christina’s head grew more desperate as she watched Callie fight this inner battle. `High alert people. This is a delicate situation. We want her to live another dark and twisted day so that she can break bones, make grown men cry, and go find the blonde and kick her ass. No sudden movements.’

“Callie. I need you to step away from the dark and twisty box and its dark and twisty contents. I need to take them into custody while you re-group.”

“It’s all in my head anyway.”

“I know. Believe me I know. But these physical reminders, you don’t need them out and in your face today.”

“Why not?”

“Because I know what today is. Because I want you to stay in the dark and twisty place that I call home, and not go any further into the forest.”

“I can’t.”

“Oh you bet your ass you can. Get up off this floor and go in the kitchen and pour shots of tequila. Now. Move. Move. Move.” Christina shouted like she shouts at Meredith and she grabbed Callie’s hands and pulled her up suddenly. The shock, the command and the mention of tequila moving her without thought into the kitchen. In the moment Callie let slip the scrub cap which Christina scooped up along with the other items in a hurried hap-hazard way and she took them to her room and threw them all in her foot locker in the closet next to a box of her own and a box from Meredith.

After the first shot burned their throats, Christina turned to Callie. “It’s been three years, Callie. You know this is just another day forward.”

“Today is a reminder that I wasn’t cherished. A reminder that I don’t have a place in her life.” They each down another shot.

“You don’t know that Callie. You don’t know what she was thinking.”

“I know she left. I know she said she didn’t know me.”

“Didn’t she also say she was going to call UNOS?”

“Yeah.” Callie takes another shot.

“She didn’t though, did she?”

“No.” She says sullenly. Taking another shot.

“All we know is that she went to South America or somewhere helping people. She sent you that letter and let you know she was taking some time and she’d be gone.”

“Three years, Christina. Three.” Callie downs another shot and stares at Christina until she takes hers as well.

“You’ve moved on though, Callie. You’re an attending. You’ve had relationships. Today is just the day: the marker of another year that you’ve survived and moved on. This is not fresh pain.”

“Today it is. It’s fresh pain. A memory flew past me and my brain latched on and then I found myself here in the box of no return and it’s all so real, so tangible after all this time. She thought our souls connected, that we would be in each other’s future forever. I don’t have many people in my life that have been around, Christina, and those who have been around a while aren’t exactly close.” Callie takes another shot and goes to get something from a cupboard and then wobbling she thinks better of it and slumps onto a stool at the counter. She sloppily pours another shot and drinks it. “I want some pretzels. I need something in my stomach to keep drinking.”

Christina gets the pretzels. It’s been a long time since Callie has done this. At first there was no alcohol in the apartment because Callie had drunk it all, and after that Christina didn’t buy any. Callie never said anything. After the first year, the first relationship to last longer than two months, then a bottle of alcohol was brought over for a dinner and it stayed and slowly alcohol was just part of the apartment again. Christina turns her back to get the pretzels and hears Callie clink the glasses as she pours another shot for each of them.

Christina takes the bottle and pours it out in the sink. Callie downs one of the shots. “You’re going to take it away now? What’s the point?”

“Alcohol poisoning is no way to go, Callie, and you live with a doctor and practically across the street from the hospital so there’s no way you’ll die from it. But it will suck, everyone will know, will talk, and then you’ll really be pissed. So yeah. I’m taking it away NOW. Nine shots is enough. You’ll be out in no time and tomorrow will really suck.” Callie defiantly takes the ninth shot that she had intended for Christina and tosses it back.

“Nine. Is that all? I remember one night my friends and I each did 20 shots.”

“And drove home, no doubt.”

“I don’t remember, but probably.”

“I’ll drive you home right now.” Christina says and grabs Callie around the waist her arm under Callie’s shoulder. Once in the room, Callie flops on the bed on her back and Christina sits on the far side with her. She normally saves this for Meredith, but she’s been having the perfect McLife lately so she’s going to keep her skills up by practicing with Callie. Besides Callie is the best roommate she ever had, despite the shocks of coming home to girl on girl in her living room occasionally. But hey it meant that Callie wasn’t pining and wasting away if she was becoming the female Sloan, right?

Callie’s voice is thick with emotion; her hands are covering her face. She has gone to bed fully clothed down to her shoes. “I didn’t move on, you know? I stayed here. I waited and I waited. I couldn’t leave, how would she find me if I left? And I dated, but I didn’t love. I never moved on Christina. I never moved anywhere. I’m an attending at Seattle Grace fucking Hospital. I’m the Ice Queen to all the new people. I didn’t move on.” Callie turns and hugs the other pillow to her as she curls into a fetal position her back to Christina. 

“I know. I never did either. Not really.”

***

The silence of the morning is thick with the sadness of the previous night. When Callie dances too close to the edge of the dark forest, it kicks up a lot of dust for Christina as well. It’s been longer for her, but she still battles her own ghosts that said they would always be there as well. Watching Callie go further into the dark forest than normal makes her long to do so as well. She knows however that it is a temporary place, unless you choose to never come back. As her feet hit the cold floorboards she shakes herself to banish the darkness to a manageable place. She makes coffee and gets ready, then she checks on Callie. She grumbles something about having taken the day off of work and Christina leaves her to sleep off the inevitable pain that pain brings.

***

Christina arrives a little late and as she rushes into the building she could swear that she saw familiar blond hair, but the walk and posture was off and it was a passing moment. She shook her head, blinking away the sight and the thought. “Must be Callie wearing off on me. McH took off with the flying monkeys to help save the world and now I think I’m seeing her too. This is going to be a very long day.”

“Talking to yourself, Dr. Yang?” Christina almost ran into the chief as she rushed in mumbling to herself.

“Yeah. Oh. Um. No. Just making a note for the day.”

“Did you see Dr. Hahn?”

“What?”

“Dr. Hahn, you remember her don’t you? It’s been a long time, but you two locked horns every chance you could get. You do remember her, the blond that came in after Preston left.” Christina shakes her head. Hearing Burke’s name even now sent a small stab of pain through her heart. She couldn’t believe what he was saying to her.

“Are you kidding me? That really was Dr. Hahn? I thought I was seeing things.”

“No, she’s back in the country and wanted to see parts of her old life. Her house, her old work, you know see how it has all changed.”

“What did she say? Is she back? Because she sure beats our guy now any day of the week.”

“No, she’s just visiting before going back East somewhere. She said she can’t come back after all she’s been through.” He’s smiling wistfully at the doors. He’s not upset with her, and she wasn’t upset with him apparently. Christina’s jaw hangs open as she processes this information.

“What does that mean?”

“She was taken hostage a little over two years ago. She lost her leg below the knee in the accident that led to her team’s capture—”

“Wait. Where’s she going now?”

“Over to Mercy West she said. Hey. Where are you going Yang?”

“I’ve got to go, sorry Chief. Have Little Grey cover my case load today, she’s ready for it.”

***

Christina had halfway considered Mercy West originally when she chose her internship. It was a good program she thought, but not as good as Seattle Grace. Had she known she could have studied with Erica Hahn and had a positive relationship with her, and avoided some of the drama that was SGH, and then it would have been a very different life indeed. It was odd thinking these things so many years later, but she was driving to Mercy West now in some kind of strange quest for the Holy Grail.

The elevator doors opened and Christina looked eagerly for the elusive blond hair. She asked a passing doctor if there was a visitor, a former doctor, named Erica Hahn. It seemed so alien to her to say the name after so long and in such a strange place. The doctor wasn’t sure who was visiting, but had Christina follow him to a nurses’ station to ask his colleagues. An older lady nodded and said she had just left to the parking garage to the right of the hospital.

Christina nearly trampled a small child as she bolted down the hall, down the stairs and out into the crisp air. She caught the sight of familiar blond hair and that unusual walk she had not understood before. “Dr. Hahn.” She called out. The figure halted. “Dr. Hahn. A moment please.” The figure turned around then and Christina gasped. 

Erica Hahn had blue eyes that could slice a person down like laser beams. She was cold, focused, and driven. Her features were set, often her jaw locked, and she meant business. If she were in a car race it would have been for pink slips. Her face was full, but she was attractive. Christina had even seen a picture of her with Callie where she was full out smiling, her eyes twinkling with some secret joke, and her inner happiness bled through making her beautiful.

The figure before Christina Yang was a shadow of Erica Hahn. The eyes had changed. Her face was drawn in and Christina could see that the clothes hung loosely on her body. Her posture was not rigid and defined indicating purpose and drive—now it was loose and beaten down. She favored the side of her body with the good leg Christina could tell, mostly because of what Webber had said to her. Her hair was loose and blew out in the wind in a crazed blonde halo that the Erica Hahn she knew would never have let happen.

The Erica Hahn that Christina Yang had known drove life. She worked hard and directed where it should go. She made things happen. She was the captain of her destiny, the Queen of her OR, and a force to be reckoned with no matter who you were. This figure before her, this shadow Erica, had life taken from her. You could see it in her eyes, her demeanor, you could see it in the way she stood there waiting for Christina to knock her down and take whatever else it was that could possibly be taken from her.

The silence was not long, but it was heavy. Christina caught her breath as she took the final steps to reach Dr. Erica Hahn. “Thank you for stopping.” She said finally.

“Yang?” Her voice squeaked in a weird way. “Dr. Christina Yang?”

“Yes. I missed you this morning. The chief said that you were coming here.”

“You came to find me?”

“Dr. Hahn. I need a special consult. Please?”

“I’m. Well, I’m retired now, Yang.”

“I didn’t come here to argue with you or bother you.”

“Why did you come here?”

“You are visiting your old life before you leave right?”

“Yes. The chief told you that too.”

“Dr. Hahn. Did you say goodbye to everyone you needed to at Seattle Grace?”

Silence. The figure blinks her empty eyes at Christina seeing through her beyond to some unknown place. Tears form in them, but do not fall. The figure takes a step back awkwardly. She swallows and shakes her head. “No. Not everyone.”

“Will you come with me, Dr. Hahn?”

“Is. Is she here?”

“Yes. Will you go with me?”

“No. I don’t think I can.” The figure looks away and takes in a heavy breath of fresh air. Without looking at Christina she whispers her question. “Is she happy?”

“Dr. Hahn. Will you do that consult I asked you for, please? I’ll drive if you want. Or go with you.”

The figure nods, coughs and whispers, “I’ll ride with you.”

In the car she asks, “Is she all right? Is she sick?”

“No she’s not all right, but no she’s not sick. I just couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye to her. That would be worse than the last three years—for her to find out that you came and went and never saw her or said a word to her.”

“I didn’t see her when I was at Seattle Grace, so I figured she’d moved on. There were quite a few unfamiliar faces.” She doesn’t speak in more than a whisper now it seems. “I never wanted to hurt her like that. Leaving for so long. She got me through it. She was all I had to think about. I didn’t see her and I thought she was gone. I hoped she was happy. She deserves that.”

“So do you, Dr. Hahn. You didn’t mean to leave that way either and you deserve to be happy.”

“Hmm. Do I?”

“Do you know what day today is?”

“Not really. I lost track of time, of days.”

“You left Seattle Grace three years ago. You sent the letter three weeks later. Yesterday was the three year anniversary of you going missing from Seattle Grace, from Callie’s life.”

“You know the anniversary of my leaving?”

“Callie wasn’t the only one that missed you. I hoped you were back today when chief said I had just missed you.”

***

Christina didn’t have to tell the figure to be quiet, she was a ghost for crying out loud, but she said to sit on the couch and that she’d get Callie. On the car ride over she explained Callie’s condition to her. The woman didn’t say much of anything, mostly murmurs as she looked out the window watching the streets slide by. Christina slipped into Callie’s room and was pleased to see her awake, although determinedly trying to not be. “Hey. How do you feel?”

“Like shit and I know you dumped out all the alcohol.”

“I brought something to help. You need to get dressed and brush your teeth and brace yourself. But I promise if this doesn’t help I’ll buy a case of tequila and help you drink it.”

***

Christina hears Callie opening her door and in a flash she is by her side. “This is going to suck and there’s nothing I can say to change that.” Callie catches Christina’s eye and she’s filled with horror and hangover, and her bed-head has not been tamed in the slightest. Christina Yang grabs Callie’s hand and begins to lead her to the living room.

“What are you doing Yang? Let go of me.” Grumpy, hung-over Callie about to have her world shaken and stirred is a stress-inducing thing for Christina Yang. In fact it’s a vomit inducing thing and Christina breathes hard to try to regain focus. She tells herself this isn’t as bad as the first solo heart surgery that she did, but knowing who’s in the living room, she kind of thinks that yeah it is just as stressful. “Oh, my god. Erica.”

Christina follows her into the room, but stops short as Callie pads over to Erica and kneels down in front of her as she sits on the couch. “You’re here. You’re okay. You’re beautiful.” She has the other woman wrapped in her arms. The figure does nothing at first and Yang could just kick herself. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all. Then one arm slowly wraps around Callie. “You’re so small, Erica. You’re so different.” Callie is talking in weird little hushed whispers as she hugs Erica and pulls away to look at her and hugs her again. Christina goes and gets some water glasses. Water is always a good offer.

“Ahem. Callie take a seat why don’t you? I’m sure our guest would like to breathe. Water, Dr. Hahn?”

Callie pulls back and she sits next to Erica on the couch looking at her. The woman does not seem to know where to begin and she looks plaintively at Christina. Callie for her part has finally begun to look at Erica and analyze her. She too sees that this is not the Erica Hahn that left three years ago.

“I thought I saw Dr. Hahn this morning, Callie, but I thought I was imagining it because of you. Then the chief said that it was Dr. Hahn, but that she was leaving, not coming back. He told me she was visiting Mercy West before she left town. He didn’t know where exactly but he said she was going back East. I went to Mercy West and talked her into coming here to see you.”

Ghost Erica turns the corners of her mouth up just a little at Christina. Callie looks incredulously from one to the other. “Several months after her letter to you, her medical team ended up in a zone where there was fighting. Their caravan was attacked and there was a huge accident.” Christina looks at the woman now wondering what else to reveal. “She was taken prisoner and held there until recently.” This time the woman’s eyes fill with tears and she nods vigorously to Christina, willing her to finish telling what there is to tell to rip the band-aid off completely instead of little by little. “In the accident, she lost her leg below the knee.”

“Oh, Erica. Erica. I can’t believe you’re all right. You’re here.” Callie is hugging the woman over and over again and it looks to Christina as though it would be overwhelming. Finally the woman whimpers a little and pushes Callie away. Callie looks devastated, but silently Dr. Erica Hahn takes Callie’s hand and entwines their fingers. Callie’s devastation disappears as quickly as it came and confusion takes its place.

“I get overwhelmed easily sometimes.” The woman speaks low, just above a whisper. “I haven’t been around people in so long and the ones I was around weren’t particularly nice.” She pauses thinking. “Christina says it was the anniversary of my leaving yesterday. She said you remembered me and didn’t go to work today. I was so sad that you weren’t there and I had assumed you’d moved on. I was happy for you.”

Realizing that she won’t be needed as a translator anymore, Christina grumbles goodbye and heads into her room.

“No, I couldn’t go anywhere. I felt like I had to be where you left me so that you could find me again. It was stupid, but here you are. I thought you were gone, that you had moved on. I wanted to be happy for you, but I wasn’t. I was hurt that you’d left me so totally behind.”

“I never left you behind, Callie. In my mind I never left you at all. I’m sorry that happened.”

“Oh, Erica. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that you were captured and injured. And I’m sorry that we fought in the first place leading you to leave.”

“I had to go and think about life and what was important. I had a lot of time to do that actually, only I couldn’t communicate with the person that I needed to communicate with.”

“When are you leaving, Erica? Do you have to go?”

“I was leaving tonight, but no, I don’t have to go.”

“I just feel like there is so much to say and we’re not going to get to, and that if you leave I’ll have to stalk you.”

“If you want to talk to me, I want to be here.” Erica pauses looking into Callie’s beautiful brown eyes. Her face crinkles into a kind of smile, “Remember when I said that I cherished you because you were a bright place in my life? I meant it and you were the bright place in my mind that I would go all those endless hours of endless days.” She swallows looking at the coffee table and her water glass. Shaking her head she continues, “I had no idea what I was talking about with the future, but it sure was awful.” Erica looks again at Callie and covers their entwined hands with her other one squeezing gently. “I was partly right. You have a place in my future if you want one.” A single tear slides down Erica’s cheek, she isn’t sure what Callie would want, but there’s a sliver of hope that saddens her. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking, Callie, and you showed up in almost every one of those thoughts.”

Shifting their hands to her lap to claim them Callie looks at the way their skin contrasts. It always fascinated her. Now she can see again the differences in how they have changed. Callie lost most of her curves when Erica left, but nothing like the loss of self clearly visible in Erica’s arm. “Can you stay in Seattle?”

“I don’t think I can. I think I want new scenery. I’m a different person, Callie, and I need a different life. I did leave for a reason and even though a lot of time has gone by and the reasons aren’t the same, I can’t just come back here and start over like nothing happened.”

“Do you want to be with me?”

“If you want to be with me. Yes. I would like that more than I would like to breathe. I am so glad that Yang stalked me across Seattle for you.” Erica has leaned forward taking her hand back from Callie and as she talks she looks at Callie’s face and eyes, touching her hair. “Just to see you one more time, to know you are okay, just to hear your voice for real again and not in my head, to feel your skin, your heat, to smell you. I can go on, but to live I need you.”

“Can I invite myself to come with you, then?”

“You’ll come back East? You don’t even know where I’m going.” Fresh tears welled up in both of their eyes.

“I couldn’t leave because I hoped you would come back to find me. I didn’t stay at Seattle Grace because I wanted to. We are both different and we’ve both been through a lot and changed a lot. But I think that we have learned the same thing—that what you and I had was special and we’d do anything for a chance to have it again. We will have to get to know each other again, and see if it will work. But I think that if we have the slightest chance, then we have to take it. So where are we going?”

“Boston.”

“Are you at Mass Gen? Oh my god. Christina will be so jealous.”

“No, I told Christina I was retired. I actually am doing volunteer work with special needs children and some small group motivational speaking.”

“You wouldn’t speak when you got here.”

“I was overwhelmed by seeing you again and all the circumstances and time. I helped you move in here, Cal. Before our first date, before we slept together, before I told you I was gay and you freaked out.”

“Well, we have plenty of time to go over everything while I pack, find a job, and move. A fresh start will be good for both of us.”

“I can’t believe this is happening. I mean I couldn’t believe any of it was happening in the first place, but then this? You’re here and not hating me, and everything I could have hoped for.”

“You are for me as well.”

Callie leans in and kisses Erica gently on the lips. Erica’s lips open for her and their tongues touch for the first time in three years, but it is for the first time all over again. When the pull away they scan each other’s faces memorizing them again: their eyes promising a place in the future for each other. Instead of more kissing Callie leans back into the arm of the chair and brings her leg behind Erica pulling her to lean into her. Nothing more needs to be said for now, it is enough to be together, to breath in each other’s air, to feel life coursing back into them together with each heartbeat.

When Christina Yang can handle her bedroom no more and she’s hungry as a dog, she opens the door of her bedroom and pads quietly out. At first she is concerned because the apartment is silent and it’s getting dark. She never heard them leave, and Callie’s door is still wide open. Halfway across the living room Christina looks over to the couch and sees Erica Hahn curled up in Callie Torres’s arms fast asleep. Christina shakes her head, but she could swear that they both looked better than she had seen them at the beginning of the day.

 

x


	2. Souls Connected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continues on with Erica's return.

**Souls Connected ******

********

********

_We are willing to help, but what if anything, is needed? Where it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give or more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so, it is those we live with and should know, who elude us. But we can still love them. We can love completely, without complete understanding.”—A River Runs Through It ___

____

____

“I’m aware it has been a week. I’ll come home soon, Ethan.” Erica sighs. “I wasn’t going to stay. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.” Erica sounds aggravated now. “Just have the movers put it all in the garage.” She pauses listening to her brother. “Look, you’re concerned. I get that, but I’m volunteering in the children’s ward at Mercy and staying with Callie.” Ethan interrupts her and she rolls her eyes. “I’m not sure when. Callie is thinking of coming with me. I know you don’t understand. Ethan, I am not going to tell you again. Fine. I’ll call tomorrow.” Erica hangs up and stares at the phone in her hand for a long moment.

“Is? Is he all right?” Callie asks from the edge of her seat.

“Yeah. He’s. He’s fine.” Erica looks at Callie deciding something in her head. “He is worried about me because of how I was when I first came back.” Erica pauses, the fact that she is holding back unmistakable in the sudden silence. Callie swallows hard, uncertain.

“And?” Callie breaks the spell—her curiosity winning the foot race against her nerves at this point. The walls have to come down sometime.

“He doesn’t trust you. Or like you. I’m not sure.” Erica shrugs.

Callie gasps, “He hasn’t even met me!”

“Callie, he’s being over protective, but he knows me. He knows what you and I had and how much it hurt.”

***

Christina looks up from the study materials covering her lap. “Where did you guys go? Hey. Close the door. It’s cold.” She shivers and rubs her arms with her hands dramatically.

“Breakfast at Pike’s Market, you know.” Callie gestures generally and then stretches her arms all the way up, her midriff showing and her legs rising on her toes. “Is that coffee, I smell?”

Christina groans, “Yes. I’m trying to study for a double-valve replacement.” She looks grim. Then her face brightens. “Erica, would you take me through the procedure? There are dangers of a-fib, pulmonary hypertension and clotting.”

Erica ponders a moment, “That sounds like the Tapley surgery.” She shakes her head remembering. “That was four years ago.”

The phone rings. “I’ll get it.” Callie volunteers and runs into the kitchen.

Left alone with Christina, Erica shifts uncomfortably. Then she sits next to her so that she can see the information and quiz her former protégé.

***

Callie watches the two women from the doorway. It brings a smile to her face to see the differences in the two women. Callie sighs. She wishes that Erica did not have to suffer or be injured in order to change. Christina’s pager breaks the moment and she excuses herself apologetically. Callie pours a travel mug of coffee for Christina and then a cup for Erica and herself.

“I’m glad that you two get along now.” Callie comments brightly.

“She’s turned into a fine surgeon.” Erica returns quietly.

“She always respected you so much.”

“And I was brutal to her.”

“No. I just. I’m glad that you both can really see each other now.”

The afternoon floats by in easy couch conversation, steaming coffee and shared tenderness. They joke about some of the possibilities that the last three years could have brought. Callie says that it would have made Christina absolutely bat shit crazy to have Dr. Hahn and Dr. Dixon working together. Erica tells her about a consult that she did years ago with the famous Dr. Dixon.

***

“Do you feel it too?” Callie questions Erica with her eyes.

Erica strokes Callie’s hair. “Hmm. What’s that?”

“I feel like we were never separated.” Callie catches her hand. She brings it to her lips to kiss her fingertips.

“Yes. It’s weird. So much has gone on and so much time has passed. We should feel like there is an ocean of time and space between us.”

“But I feel closer to you now than I remember feeling then.”

Erica leans forward making her point to Callie, “Do you feel that through it all we cherished each other?” Callie grabs her hand smiling. “Our souls are connected, Callie. They always were.”

***

The loud noise of the dish in the sink startles Callie. She realizes that she must have dozed off snuggled up to Erica. Unsure of how much time passed, Callie approaches Erica at the sink. Callie slides up next to the blonde to study her face, then she gently asks, “Where did you go?”

Erica blinks her eyes pushing tears back. She swallows. “Sometimes I still don’t feel like I’m here.” She turns to look at Callie, her blue eyes begging for understanding, for love.

“Where do you think you are?”

“No. I, uh. I can’t explain.” Erica runs water in her empty coffee mug. Then she wipes her hands on the towel on the side of the sink. She keeps her body turned just a little away from Callie—her body language automatically defensive despite desperately wanting to be loved and cared for by this beautiful woman. 

Not giving up and not going too fast Callie’s hand turns Erica to neutral. Callie wants to crash around her—kissing and caressing—to tell her that she will keep the boogieman away. She doesn’t know how to do that when she can’t see him coming. Knowing it doesn’t work that way anyway, Callie holds back. Placing her hand over Erica’s Callie whispers, “I have to pry and you have to let me in. Little bits. Remember?”

“It’s just so unreal.” Erica’s voice is thick with emotion.

Callie brushes her hair, more for contact this time than anything. She tries a cheerful smile to help Erica back into the sunshine. “Try me. I still believe in the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and the trash man.”

Erica rolls her eyes at the obvious attempt to lighten the situation, but she appreciates it as well. And who besides Calliope Torres thinks like that? “The trash man?” She asks. Her question filled with disdain.

“See. I made you smile from your dark and twisty place.”

“Dark and twisty place?”

“That’s what Christina calls it.”

“Is that where you were the night before I came back?”

Callie’s face falls at that. She has no intention of discussing that, or any of the other nights when she lost herself in the darkest of places with no return ticket. “Oh no. That night passed `dark and twisty’ and headed deep into the forbidden forest. I think Christina stalked you more for herself than anyone. She was afraid I wasn’t coming back.”

The long pause comforts them this time. Filled with love and consideration it warms them as they begin the dance of delicately peeling back the layers of themselves together. Erica smiles. “The trash man?”

“Umm hmmm. You never see him. He comes in the night and magically gets his job done.”

Erica smiles at Callie a small closed mouth smile. Callie backs up from her slightly to give her room to breathe, to think. Callie wants an answer. She wants to try to understand, because in that trying is the love. Callie puts her hand on Erica’s shoulder and tries again.

“Where do you go?”

“It’s hard to describe. I know I’m back in civilization with running water and electricity that doesn’t run on a generator. I know this is not a dirt road and there is not an enemy faction on the other side in the dense foliage waiting in ambush. I see the smiles of the kids I work with. I hear the voices of people around me—in English with no accent. I know I am what is supposed to be `home’ and yet I feel so far away.” Erica’s voice cracks with the pressure of the emotions behind it. “Suddenly I am sitting on a hard earth floor with my back against the wall. Time changes in the memory making day and night meaningless. I count the sounds I hear: bugs, electric buzzing, and the voices of men outside smoking, heavy footsteps, sometimes running, the crunch of gravel under tires and then there is nothing—a blackness that consumes time and eats at sanity. I hear Kayla’s breathing.” Erica sighs. Normally she tells only what she has to. The words are unwilling to leave her body and she keeps them locked safe inside. She sniffles rubbing her fingers over her lips. “A kid with a bright yellow ball, a face full of snot and the craziest smile in the world snaps me back to reality. He wants me—me—to play with him. Roll or catch or bounce or whatever.” Erica throws her hand in the air indicating the children that adore her.

Callie brushes her hand along Erica’s cheek tucking an unruly blonde curl behind her ear. Already Callie can tell the difference in each of them. They are slowly on the mend. Instinctively Callie knows that the last three years of Erica’s life are chapters lost to her. Callie knows the old Erica and she knows the Erica with her right now, but that in between Erica will always be in the shadow. Dr. Erica Hahn gave up surgery in that life and her scars cannot be seen only felt with the heart of another.

Callie smiles then looking into Erica’s beautiful blue eyes. “So you focus on the kid with the snot.”

“So I focus on the kid with the snot.”

“You play bounce?”

“I am the bounce champion of the world.”

“Always the best, I see that hasn’t changed.” Callie nibbles her lip a moment fighting the desire to push or to let go.

Erica turns to Callie locking onto her eyes. “Where do you go?” She asks gently, but firmly.

“Hmmm. I go to my own private torture chamber until it is black. I don’t know the time or the day. Bright lights, scalpel, music, and a scrub nurse snap me back to reality. I hold the scalpel in my hand and I am back in the moment again.”

“I have to pry too. You have to let me in as well. Remember?”

“Oh. Erica. I can’t. I can’t tell you how I hated you for hurting me. I can’t tell you how I hurt myself to try and gouge out the pain you caused. I thought if I could just get under the pain to cut it out, then I would be okay. Only you were in so deep that I could never cut you out. I could never escape it.” Callie blinks back tears and looks out the window over the sink. Erica’s hand on her back comforts her in a silent way.

“Callie. If I have to tell you about being a prisoner, surviving the accident, and trying to come back to life, then you have to share with me what you went through.”

“No.”

“Callie.”

“You were a hostage. You filled your mind and time with all kinds of things, but mostly you thought of me and of us. You thought of our future to get you through that. And here I was… Not thinking nice thoughts about you at all. I was doing horrible things to myself to try to get over you.”

“Callie, you were the idea I needed to have. I clung to it, because I needed to.”

“I don’t follow.”

“I left Seattle for a reason. The chief and the Izzie scandal were enough of a reason, but I was angry at the way you treated me. More than that, I was angry that I had let myself be treated like that. I had to clear my head. So I went to Nicaragua to get away from the woman I loved. My letter was to let you know that I cared. I wasn’t done with you; I just needed to be away a while.” Erica stops with a heavy, defeated sigh. “After the accident. I woke up broken, alone, and trapped. I blamed you, Callie. I was in Nicaragua because of you.”

Tears silently fall down Erica’s face. She talks to the back of Callie’s head, as it is her turn to look out the window. Callie’s tears appeared as soon as Erica said she left Seattle for a reason. She barely heard the rest, but it hit her all the same. Erica reaches out her hand to comfort Callie. Callie’s breath came in short pants as sobs shook her shoulders. “Callie?”

“You didn’t want to see me, did you?” Callie asks the air in front of her. The fear in her voice indicates her fear of the truth after getting her hopes up.

Erica holds her hand still on Callie’s back for a moment. She reaches up to her shoulder and turns the younger woman slowly to face her. Callie dares to look into her eyes and meets a steady loving gaze from Erica’s baby blues. “No, Callie. It’s not like that.”

Callie shakes her head. Her mouth crumples soundlessly and fresh tears well in her eyes. “You came back to the States eight months ago, Erica.” Callie sniffles and wipes her face with her hand. “You went to Boston, not Seattle.”

Erica rubs her tears away with her thumb and forefinger first on one side and then on the other. Her voice is gentle and she holds eye contact with Callie. “I had to Callie. I had to be at the hospital, mend things with my brother, and heal. I was back, but I wasn’t anywhere, Cal. Physical therapy, regular therapy, and finding something to do became my life. When I found the kids and adjusted to my prosthesis, I could finally think beyond the next meal. As soon as I could, I came back here, Callie.”

Callie chokes out, “I broke you.” Erica silences her with a finger to her lips.

“I broke you.” Erica echoes back and smiles weakly. “I broke you just as much, didn’t I? Isn’t that what you won’t tell me?”

“No. Erica. No.” Callie shakes her head trying to move away. Erica holds her in place firmly.

“You think I can’t handle it? I know you had a life while I was gone.”

“I, eh, I didn’t have a life when you were gone.”

“Callie. We both did things in the last three years. It is stuff that we don’t want to talk about. But we have to. If we want a chance to be together we have to go through it. I don’t like it anymore than you do. I fought therapy when I came back too, but I had to do it.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want us to hurt anymore, Erica.” Callie sucks in a full breath of air. Erica’s eyes never leave hers and it is unnerving, but comforting at the same time to accept that they have a strong steady future together.

“We can survive anything. The last three years did not separate us instead they made us stronger. We know the ending already, Callie. We end up together. We go through this together to find each other. We can do this.”

“I’m not ready.”

“You had nine shots of tequila the night before Yang brought me to you. Nine shots and you were not going to stop. She said you did that after I first left and after my letter, and again after the first year. Callie, it had been three years and you were ready to drink yourself into a coma all over again.”

Silence and breathing: Callie slowly crumbles under the weight of the truth she needs to tell; Erica braces for what she will have to hear; both know they will have to hurt each other before they can truly heal together. The building groans as it shifts and Callie breaks her silence with a little cough and a low voice.

“I hated you. I hated that you could leave. I hated that I never heard from you again. I hated that you sent me a letter of false hope. I hated myself because I clung to it so dearly. You cherished me. You said that our souls were connected and I would always be in your future. It was all lies. Every day I woke up without you was a lie. I tried to move on, but I couldn’t. Christina watched me like I was one of those dangerous bears. I think she was ready to exterminate me, if I didn’t do the job myself.”

Callie turns to face Erica. A fresh army of tears stands at the ready in both of their eyes. Callie feels the anger and pain fully, but cannot reconcile it with the reality of standing with Erica. She loves her with all of her heart and wants to keep her and protect her. Erica steeled herself for this kind of reaction. She expected it as a possible reaction. She waited for it. Her hesitation in returning to Seattle hinged on the very real possibility that Callie hated her and/or had moved on. Erica feared that reaction. This reality was worse than she had prepared for. Callie had not healed over at all. She let a scab form and ripped it off to keep the pain fresh, everyday for the last three years.

“Tell me about the three years, Callie.”

“I stayed in Seattle waiting for you. I punished every blonde that came my way for being slightly like you. I would break their hearts if I had the chance, because mine was already broken. Christina thought it was progress. She was glad I didn’t hide in my room and mope. She called me the female Sloan and scolded me on occasion.”

Erica swallows hard and turns so that her back is flush against the counter and there’s some distance between them. Erica is sure that she is not breathing properly. `But’ she thinks, `this needs to happen.’ They have to put one foot forward at a time. It is all there is—the next step. There is always a next step and they need to take it together.

“I made sure no one would mess with me. I never let anyone know me. I refused to believe in the future. I had to have a good time doing it though. Mark and Christina sat mother hen to me more nights than I care to count as I drank to erase you. Then I went on a dating spree. Finally I settled in to nothing but work. There was a dull calm: a carefully created surface of normalcy that fooled everyone. I worked, dated, and kept my thoughts to myself for the most part.” Callie turns back to the window. Erica and Callie are side-by-side but there is vast gap of ocean between them. It is icy, murky, and threatening to devour them. One of them faces into the room while the other faces out the window. 

Callie continues in a shaky voice, “I never stopped loving you. I never stopped missing you. I never stopped being reminded of you. I never stopped wanting you to come back for me. I couldn’t go anywhere, because some half-dead part of my heart hoped that you would come back to pick me up out of the burning ruins of my life and take care of me.”

“Only a year passed and you didn’t come. Two years passed and there was no sign of you. Three years gone and I was a shadow of who I was, but I got by. I fooled everyone every day. But I wasn’t living. And if you couldn’t want me, then who would? And what was I holding my breath for? Why was I still breathing?”

Erica puts her arm out to the side and across Callie’s midsection. She pushes her away from the counter and hooks and drags her to stand in front of her. With Callie almost in place, Erica wobbles on her unsure legs a moment. Instinctively, Callie reaches out to steady her against the counter.

“I’m glad you were still breathing. I’m glad that you waited here for me. I’m sorry that I took so long. But I’m so glad that you are here, Cal.” Callie grasps the front of Erica’s shirt in both of her hands lowering her face to Erica’s shoulder and crying violently. “Callie. Shhh. Shhh. I would have hated me too, if you had left me.”

***

It’s almost the end of shift and Christina slides up next to Callie at the nurses’ station. She’s bored lately. Owen is hard to figure out. It’s been three years and yet it’s still a weird non-communicating mess. At least she tells herself that she’s moving on from Burke finally. Although on nights when she’s home alone she gets out her box of dark and twisty to visit it like a sad family reunion. Callie has one of Erica’s old scrub caps and Christina has one of Preston’s old yellow ones. She keeps it (she tells herself) to remind her of the type of surgeon she wants to be. A quieter part of her says that if that was the case, then she should have one of Erica’s too, and maybe she should go nick one of Dr. Dixon’s as well.

Callie’s transformation over the last couple of weeks has warmed Christina’s heart. It is strange to watch the roller coaster of emotions and not be on it herself. Fascinating actually. Meredith and Derek, and the others have been dreadfully boring. Callie has the only emotional rollercoaster game in town—and no one knows about it, which fills Christina with a crazy giddy school girl kind of joy.

“Hey.”

“Hey back. How’s your day?”

“Just a couple dislocated shoulders and broken legs today, nothing special. How about you? Still Dr. Dixon’s favorite?” Callie knows that Christina loves besting everyone and being the favorite especially when it comes to cardio, but when it comes to Dr. Dixon, Christina regards it as the short term suffering she has to do to the end of her sentence as a resident.

“Ugh. You always remind me.”

“I like to help those less fortunate than myself.” Callie smiles and gestures up and down the hall. Then she laughs and gestures up and down Christina like a game show lady highlighting the prize.

Christina snorts. “Thanks for the help.” She rolls her eyes. “What does Erica do all day? I mean, I know you drop her off somewhere on your way to work, but it’s not like she sits at Barnes and Noble all day or something, right?”

Callie chuckles at the thought of dropping Erica Hahn—the love of her life—off at a bookstore for the entire day every day. `Who would do that? Oh,’ she answers herself, `Christina just might, if she didn’t know what to do with the person and wasn’t allowed to leave them at home.’ Callie shakes her head in disbelief at her friend. “She goes to Mercy West.”

“I thought she retired.”

“She did. Kind of. She goes to the childrens’ ward and helps out. In Boston she works with kids with special needs. She gives motivational speeches to smaller groups too.”

“Dr. Hahn gave up surgery to work with kids? Like actual children?”

“Erica went through a lot in Nicaragua. We haven’t really talked about a lot of it, but I think that the kids there were really special in the middle of all the chaos. They still had hope and enjoyed the smallest of things and attention. I think they really got to her. And with losing part of her leg, I think she needed some brightness to focus on.”

Christina chews on her pen a moment contemplating. “I forget. I forget that she lost her leg below the knee. I forget that she was a captive. It’s hard to imagine Dr. Hahn that way.”

“I know.” Callie chokes a little on sudden tears. It’s so hard for her to imagine Erica like that let alone to talk about it like it’s just a matter of fact. But it is a matter of fact and at some point in time it will have to be mentioned in conversation like it’s not an issue. Right now Callie just can’t imagine that.

“Oh, Cal. I’m sorry.”

“I guess I feel guilty, you know.”

“You were here and she went away and this happened to her?”

“Yeah.”

“She could have had something happen to her here. Things happen for a reason. I don’t know the reason so don’t look at me like that. But they do happen for a reason.”

“So do you want to go with me to pick her up today? See her with the kids? It might help you see who she is now.”

“Um.” Christina thinks a moment. “Yeah. I would like to see her now. The surgeon who’s not a surgeon, the ice queen that plays with kids… You know, I’ve always liked a medical mystery.”

“Shut up. Or you can’t come.”

“Fine. But my eyes may bug out on their own.”

***

Erica Hahn sits awkwardly on a too short stool holding a book on her lap facing the group of young children huddled at her feet. She leans over the book as she reads and then shows the page around slowly to the group. After the third page she glances up to see the adults standing just inside the doorway of the room. Her blue eyes lighten as she sees Callie and Christina. Erica reads a few more pages to finish Eric Carle’s “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” and then she closes the book on her lap.

The kids’ hands shoot up in the air to ask about the next book, ask her to read this one again, to ask if they can have a caterpillar. A couple of them jump up and kind of dance with uncontrolled excitement that they had been keeping in during the reading. A few roll on the floor or turn to look curiously at Callie and Christina. A smaller boy heads off into the corner hitting himself on the thigh and muttering. A little girl in a wheelchair rolls forward until she bumps into Erica’s stool from the side. Erica’s feet go loose from the impact and she very carefully balances herself again.

Christina gasps and moves forward. Callie stops her with a hand on her arm. She smiles confidently. This is her girlfriend in her element—with kids doing whatever it is that kids do. Stumbling and struggling Callie has learned are part of the whole thing and you have to let it happen. Callie has visited before, but this is the first reading day she’s seen. Erica’s face was full of wonder and her voice was filled with a special magic for the kids. Callie wonders as she watches if the magic comes from the kids themselves, like the energy a car gets from a battery.

Erica puts her hand on the back of Rebecca’s wheelchair and holds on. Loudly she says, “Everybody listen.” All eyes suddenly focus on her and their little mouths fall open in awe. “Callie is back and she’s brought her friend Christina. Make sure you introduce yourselves gently. You don’t want to overwhelm them.” Erica smiles hugely at Callie. She knows that Christina will have kittens over their sudden onslaught of welcoming.

Most of the children turn on the spot and rush to greet Callie and Christina. Callie cleverly catches the majority of the children first so that she can help them be gentle with Christina. Christina means well, but she just isn’t used to affection, or sudden celebrity, or snot. And kids, well, they are the makers of affection, sudden celebrity, and—definitely at this age—snot.

The kids bore quickly of them and return to their various playthings. Meal and medicine time is fast approaching which signals that it is time for Erica to go home. The small boy from the corner comes over to Erica and pulls on her long sleeve silently. She turns and seeing who it is she slowly kneels on her good knee and makes eye contact with him. “Robbie. How are you?” She asks quietly. He shakes his head and covers his ears. “Were they too loud?” He nods emphatically and strokes her face. Erica closes her blue eyes and smiles at him. When he lowers his hand she opens her eyes again. He points at Callie and then Christina. “Would you like to say hi?” He nods again.

“Callie, come here. Say hi to Robbie.” Callie comes over and kneels down beside Erica.

“Hi. Robbie.” She says quietly looking into his eyes. He smiles a huge smile and lifts one hand toward her face. He pauses looking at her and then his hand. “It’s okay.” He nods and then he strokes her cheek with his hand. When he lowers his hand, Callie whispers to him, “You’re so beautiful. I just want to hug you.” He shakes his head no and backs up a step. “Oh, Robbie. I won’t. I just think you’re wonderful, okay.” He nods, but looks at her suspiciously. Callie slowly gets up and goes back to where she was standing.

Robbie turns to Erica and gently strokes her cheek again. “It’s okay.’ She tells him. He points at Christina now, who blanches, and looks at Callie. Callie pushes her forward. Christina kneels down by Erica as well and waits. She looks at Erica and then the boy, clearly uncomfortable, but trying. “Robbie. This is Christina.”

“Hi. Robbie.” Christina says half smiling at him. He grins widely at her. Then he reaches up his hand again waiting. “Er. It’s, uh, it’s okay, Robbie.” She says. He slowly reaches out, but instead of her cheek he touches her hair. He holds one curl between his fingers and lets out a little melodic laugh that even makes Christina giggle as well. Then he turns back to Erica, touches her cheek and he runs off.

Callie steps in to help Erica since she’s been on her knee the longest. Erica doesn’t need help, but she enjoys the feel of Callie’s hands on her and the offer of support, so she goes with it. Christina stands and brushes off her knees like she’s been in the mud. Erica hugs Callie and then turns to Christina hitting her on the arm lightly. “Not too bad for your first time.” She smiles at a very stunned Christina Yang.

Erica is so different. First of all this is Erica and not Dr. Hahn. Then she’s funny, kind of outgoing, expressive, and something Christina can’t quite name—but is vaguely jealous of. That something is happy—it’s happy with a dark side to it, but it is happy nonetheless. “Time to go?” Callie asks as she adjusts her purse and jacket.

“Yeah. Will you grab my coat?” Callie goes over to the cubbies where there are some hooks at adult height for the volunteers. Erica turns to Christina, “You must have a good energy. Robbie doesn’t want to meet just anyone, and that laugh—well I’ve only heard it twice so far.”

“Thanks. Erica.” Christina says her head leaning to the side as if she’s going to follow up with a question that never comes.

“Let’s go. I’m starving.” Callie says holding up Erica’s coat for her to slide into.

***

“I got the job!” Callie hugs Christina in an ambush from the side of the nurse’s station.

“I really hate you.” Christina says. “First you hug me, then you go work at the top ranking hospital that I’d die to work at.”

“And I’m with the hottest Cardio Goddess in the country.”

“Ex-Cardio Goddess and she’s not my type.”

“That’s right. You’re in love with me. When you finish your residency, you’re going to follow me all the way across the country.” Callie can’t help it, but she gives Christina another hug to which she is slapped mightily on the thigh and threatened to within an inch of all nine of her remaining lives.

“I can’t believe you’re going to leave me here with all the bright and shiny happy fluffy people. I wonder what the She-Shepherd is doing? She knew how to kick some ass.”

“Oh stop it. You wouldn’t leave Meredith—she’s your person.”

“Like it does me any good lately. She’s all about the McBaby and its McBaby vomit and McBaby shit. She smells like talcum powder for crying out loud.”

***

“Are you sure you want to do this, Callie? You haven’t even been to Boston yet?”

“How bad could it be? Besides you’re there and Mass Gen is supposed to be phenomenal.”

“I know your life is here. You’ve been here for so long.”

“Being somewhere does not make it home. My life is with you figuring this out.” Callie leans up on her elbow trailing her hand along the side of Erica’s body giving her chills. Then she bites her lip and gives Erica a naughty look, the look she gives before she says something awful, or begins a flirty game, or a lot of things, all beginning some kind of trouble. “Besides, you need me to chauffeur you around, and massage your leg and hold your hand at the doctor’s office.”

This is all Erica needs to remind this little woman that she is many things, but helpless is not one of them. She rolls such that she is straddling Callie and she leans toward her so that their mouths are almost touching. The eye contact is tangible between them though and Erica smirks, “I don’t need you to hold my hand at the doctors’ office, Torres.” Callie smirks up at her, letting her know that she knows and she won’t say so again. Erica lowers herself just a little more, brushing her lips lightly against Callie’s, but not really kissing her. She repeats this a few times until Callie whines for more. “I need you to hold me and never let me go.” Erica says looking deep into her golden brown depths and smiling.

Callie holds her eyes on the beautiful blue ones above her. Something in her is alive again and her heart announces in a flutter that it beats for Erica, only for her. “I will never let you go.” Callie says and she turns them so that Erica is facing her and she wraps a leg around her tightly pulling her into a heated embrace.

 

**End ******

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x


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